Better Dating Through Technology

My May column for the magazine is due tomorrow so I have to come up with 500-600 words of funny on a yoga class that I attended this weekend (don't ask). I've got a ton of stuff to do at my day job tomorrow, so naturally here I am wasting time working on something for the people who trip over my site while looking for nude pictures of Farrah Fawcett.1

I saw an ad for EHarmony in this month's Esquire. I've been out of the dating scene for over 10 years now, so I had to date like the cavemen did - meeting women, asking them out, and braving rejection. Now you don't even have to leave your home.

Some people have a hangup about online matchmaking services and feel like they're only for "losers." Not me. If I was single I would use one of these services in a heartbeat if only because I could use my computer so it seem like a video game. I'd keep scores on the responses to my profile and tinker with it to increase my hits, not unlike what I do with this blog.

Single people who turn up their noses at these sites act as if there's something wrong with putting yourself out in public by saying "I'm looking for someone." I don't know why meeting someone online is any less legitimate than meeting someone at a bar or a party. As long as the first encounter didn't involve an exchange of currency, more power to you.

They even have dating sites purely for people who just want to "hook-up." We are truly living in a golden age.

A female friend of mine asked me to help her write her profile for a matchmaking service, because I'm "funny and creative." As usual, my good intentions backfired. I read her profile and thought it seemed confrontational. She was too specific in what she wanted in a man, what policitical and religious beliefs he should have, and what social issues he should be passionate about.

My feedback was simply "This makes you sound like you're a lot of work."

Wrong answer.

She took this as a point of pride. "You're damn right I'm a lot of work! And I'm worth it!"

I wasn't necessarily disputing her point. But I thought her profile should tell men why they should want to meet her, not say "I dare you to go out with me."

Instead of taking my advice, she went with the "honest" profile.

There's a place for honesty in relationships (in my opinion, somewhere below anti-depressants).

I had a bad experience with honesty. In the process of breaking up with a girlfriend in order to go out with the woman who eventually became my wife, I was told by my ex, "Just be honest. Tell me that you'd rather be with her than me and I'll be fine with it."

"I'd rather be with her."

I don't completely remember what happened after that. The next thing I know, I was pummelled with a windmill flurry of slaps from her. Then she ran out of my apartment into the night.

Lesson learned - people only say they want honesty, but what they really want you to do is say what they want to hear.

There are things that you should absolutely be honest about - marital status and rashes come immediately to mind. But when you're first going out with someone, you shouldn't come right out with all the problems and baggage that screwed up your prior relationships.

Most of my single friends are looking to get out of the dating scene. Maybe it's because it's been so long, but I remember dating actually being fun. Being an average looking guy with no recognizable game and an income that, at the time, was more theorectical than the actual, I still managed to date fairly frequently. I read reviews on restaurants before making reservations, picked good movies, and bought flowers. Sure it sucked to be turned down, but more than often (and to my surprise) I wasn't.

Maybe it was because I've been told I am the type of guy women want to settle down with. Which basically meant that I was the guy women wanted to marry after they got tired of sleeping with my friends.

But through dating and being married for eight years, I have come to some conclusions about the whole male-female relationship dynamic. I'm speaking in generalities, so your mileage may vary.

Men aren't afraid of committment. If a man says he doesn't want to commit, what he really means is that he doesn't want to commit to you. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means it's not the right fit. I came to this conclusion over 10 years ago, after telling my girlfriend that I didn't want a serious relationship with anyone until I finished with law school. Then I got engaged to the very next woman less than a year after starting a relationship. If I had only thought of a catch-phrase like "He's just not into you" and wrote about it then, I'd be rich now.

Marriage means totally different things to men and women. Men meet the woman and decide to get married. Women decide to get married and then meet the man. Put it this way, Barbie is a doll, but Ken is an accessory.

Before getting married, don't ask yourself "Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?" That question is too huge and abstract, so it really doesn't mean anything. Instead, ask yourself, "Is this the person I want to share a bathroom and checking account with?" That's a real question and far more relevant.

No one is out of your league. I see too many guys hesistate to ask out a woman because they feel she's too attractive, smart, or accomplished for them. Let her decide. Yeah, rejection sucks but would you rather be turned down by someone you think is beyond your reach or someone who you think is at your"level" or lower?

Male-female relationships at their essence are battle of wills. There is a power struggle in every relationship. Men have the most power before marriage. Women have it after the marriage.

I can't believe I don't have my own talk show.

1. I get an alarming number of hits from men who are looking for nude pictures of Farrah Fawcett. Far more so than any other woman I've mentioned on this site. Of course, by mentioning this I'm going to get even more hits.