Everything I Ever Wanted To Know About Sex, I Learned From Purple Rain

My father never gave me "The Talk" about sex (my mother says it's just as well). During my teen years, I turned to an unlikely source.

Prince.

Coming of age in the mid-80's, I didn't have a whole lot of choice in role models. I wasn't quite sure what the deal was with Michael Jackson. Boy George was ... well Boy George. And I could never tell if Bruce Springsteen was singing about women or about cars.

But Prince loved women. His songs resonated with me. Prince seemed to be the only one out there who was as girl crazy as I was. I was pretty sensitive at the time, constantly crushing on girls who may or may not have known that I existed. But for every crush I had, there was a Prince song. What better captures the infatuation that only a naive 14 year old boy could have for a girl than:

I don't care where we go.
I don't care what we do.
I don't care pretty baby.
Just take me with U.

So that was who I looked to for the facts of life.

Occasionally, this led to some awkward encounters:

Girl: Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Me: Yeah. Don't worry, I saw this in Purple Rain.

Girl: Well, ok. But I'm pretty sure I'm the one who should be putting on eyeliner.

During this time, my girlfriend was the daughter of a 60's radical. Her middle name was 'Mao' if that tells you something. Her father was a big Tigers fan and once took us to a game in what turned out to be their championship season.

Here is an actual exchange between us on the way to Tiger Stadium:

Him: Here, kid (offering a joint).
Me: Uh, no thanks. I gave up marijuana when I was 10.

Needless to say, he wasn't big on parental supervision. So that summer I lived out the soundtrack to Purple Rain. I went crazy. I went nuts. I looked for the purple banana until they put me in the truck.