Genius or Moron - Paris Hilton

"I always wanted to build a brand. Barbie's a brand. I knew I could be like that - an American princess." - Paris Hilton.

When, when, oh when will her fifteen minutes of fame be up?

Sure, she's an easy target, but for the purposes of Genius or Moron, because Paris has declared that she planned to "brand" herself, this qualifies her for genius consideration, even if her actual IQ appears to be below freezing.

Her plan seems to be working. She's her own industry. She has her own perfume, which likely evokes a mix of the scents of overpriced champagne, antibiotics, and the carpet of a Las Vegas hotel room. She's "written" a memoir, which makes her the only person to have authored more books than she's read. About a third of the pages are blank to document her alcohol-induced blackouts.

She's appearing in no less than three movies this year (for theatrical release, that is) And she's threatening to record an album.

So, is everything going according to her master plan? Genius or Moron?

Moron Moves

• Pathologically self-absorbed. Her new boyfriend's name is Paris as well. Which means she is finally able to call out her own name out during sex without offending her lover. She also falsely reported her chihuahua, Tinkerbell, missing at the same time her sister got married to steal some of her press. She may possibly be one of the most evil women on the planet.
  

• The infamous "videos." I'm not proud to say that I've seen the first one, the one shot with the nightshot lens. It couldn't have been any less erotic if it had starred my parents. The best part of the video was watching Paris and Rick Salomon fight to be in the camera shot. If she was any more narcissistic, she'd create a vacuum.
  

Incidentally, my father and I had one of our more memorable arguments over this tape.

Dad: That Paris Hilton says that she had nothing to do with the release of the tape. But now she's promoting it a Blockbuster.

Me: I'm sure she's not promoting the video at Blockbuster

Dad: She is! I saw it on the news.

Me: Blockbuster doesn't carry unrated movies, much less X-rated films. Why would she promote it there?

Dad: (pause) Don't dispute me.

• The Quotable Paris.
  

"“What'’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell like wall stuff there?”"


Genius Moves

• Convincing people that she's "hot". Paris' modeling career can only be explained by mass-hypnosis. She actually kinda funny looking, but she's so overexposed that we've gotten used to her (sorta like Sarah Jessica Parker). Notice that she always poses at a angle. From the pictures of her head-on, she could play an alien on "Star Trek" without make up. Plus, she's built like one of Michael Jackson's playmates.

• "House of Wax". Oh, I'm sure the movie is terrible. But she was smart to be in a movie that features her violent death. That's called giving the people what they want.

• Never before has someone gotten so much attention on so little talent. She initially gained fame because she was an heiress, which isn't really talent but luck. She parlayed her grandfather's money into being a "socialite," which apparently involves being publicly drunk. If so, many of my friends are socialites.
  

Verdict: Genius.

You can't understand how much it pains me to come to this conclusion. But she's a freaking force of nature. You would think that having an amateur porn video released on the internet would've hurt her career. It made her bigger than ever. Her next video could show her doing Osama Bin Laden, and people would applaud her for being "edgy."

Sure, she contributes nothing to society and appears to be a manifestation of all that is wrong in this world. Yes, it's a shame that she walks around when there are so many people who need organs. But when it comes down to her career, she hasn't missed a step.

She even trademarked "That's hot." So now, because I typed that, I have to send her money.

Genius.