Genius or Moron?

"It's such a fine line between stupid and clever" - David St. Hubbins

In what may become a regular feature in The Letter D, I will analyze a celebrity who walks the fine line of being a genius and being a moron. Of course, I mean "genius" in the sense that people use the word when talking about an entertainer and not in the sense of a person being genuinely super-intelligent.

I will distinguish those who have achieved fame and success by cleverness, even if most evidence points otherwise, from those who Forrest Gump-ed their way into the spotlight.

Today's subject - Britney Spears. Genius or moron?

I know, it doesn't sound like there's even a question here, but let's look at the evidence.

Moron moves:

• Frequently says stupid things - I went onto her website in preparation for this post, and I have to say that I hope this blog is half as funny as Britney's posts. Here are some words of wisdom:

I'm so excited, my dogs are stylin' and profilin' because Von Dutch just sent
them the cutest little clothes! I think my dogs are much cuter than Tinkerbell
(ruff! ruff!) My mom's mad because the dogs are still having problems with their
potty training. It is kind of bad because we have white carpets. They will learn
soon, I hope!

Plus, there's this famous quote from an interview in Allure:

Before we got married we were on tour, and we were just like kids, ordering room service, saying, 'Let’s go out tonight.' Then, all of a sudden, you have this home, you have the kids [Federline's two children from a previous relationship], you have to get the diapers, get the dog to the vet. It's this reality. Like omigod, I have to tell the maid to buy diapers and get the pool boy to walk the dog? Can't I just make out with Kevin all the time? Being married sucks.1"

I don't want to beat her up too much for this one. Lots of people think being married sucks, just not because it's hard to delegate to domestic help. So her conclusion is fine, it's just her reasons behind it that are off. She may have tripped over the right answer, though. This is why your math teacher required you to show your work when you did story problems.

• Crossroads -Vanilla Ice laughs at this movie. During her publicity tour, she said that she did a remake of "I love Rock and Roll" for the movie because she's a big Pat Benatar fan.

• Kissing Madonna publicly- She had nothing to gain here and tons to lose. Plus, I wouldn't put it past Madonna to try to suck Britney's youth directly from her mouth. Madonna will do anything to stave off the Grim Reaper. This is also why I avoid my elderly relatives.
  

Genius moves:

• Marrying Kevin Federline - Yes, this was a genius move for reasons I'll explain shortly.


• Sexual Jedi mind tricks - Britney has mastered the art of being pretending that her overt sexuality is a figment of our imagination. In an interview in Esquire magazine two years ago (where she appeared bottomless on the cover) Britney said" The record label wanted me to do certain kinds of songs, and I was like, 'Look, if you want me to be some kind of sex thing, that's not me. I will never do that. I'm still doing what I love to do."

Huh? From the time she moaned and gyrated her way through the "Hit Me Baby One More Time Video, she's sold her music through sex. She sounds sincerely surprised that 50-year old men attend her concerts by themselves. But she has denied trying to be sexy so consistently that she actually had me thinking "Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I must be a pervert." Then again, I used to think George Michael was straight, so maybe I'm not the best judge about these things.

But it can't be just me. Most people gave her the benefit of the doubt when she said she was waiting to have sex until she got married. Her rival Christina Aguilera didn't even try to pull this off. Genius.

• Toxic. I admit liking a Britney Spears song. I refused to let myself like it until I heard it blasting at the Rain nightclub in Las Vegas. Maybe it was just Vegas, but it makes up for her entire discography.

The Verdict: Genius.

Believe it or not, her marriage to Kevin Federline put her over the top. Before her marriage, she was dealing with the difficult transition from being a teen idol to adult star. What better career move than marrying Mr. Wrong? Yes, he was one of her dancers (meaning he was not quite talented enough to make it in a boy band). Yes, he's after her money. Yes, he randomly impregnates women. Do you really think that she's the only one who doesn't see it?

Once she gets her inevitable divorce after she has at least one child with him, she'll do a promotional blitz, telling Oprah and Barbara Walters about how she loved him but he did her wrong. Millions will identify with her. She'll write a book (ok, someone will ghostwrite it). She'll tone down her sexuality and have a revitalized career. Her story will be that she's gone from Mousketeer to Lolita to Mom. She'll have a huge comeback.

So sure, maybe no one was cheating off of her paper in high school, but for her idiot savant-like business savvy, I'm declaring her a genius.

1. The Spousal Unit showed me the Allure. It appears that Britney didn't actually say the part with the poolboy and maid, even though it was reported as such on MSNBC and here. I should be fair even if it messes up a perfectly good joke.