Is That Who I Think It Is? (My Stalkers, Part V )

Well, it's been awhile since the last stalker update. For those who are new to this blog you might want to check my October, December, and January archives (we'll wait).

Anyway, the Spousal Unit, the Cub, and I were returning from our weekly pilgrimage to Target on Sunday, when we noticed a familiar looking security guard in the middle of the parking lot, walking with a gait that indicated that his synapses weren't quite firing properly.

I asked the Spousal Unit, "Is that who I think it is?"

Sure enough, it was Stalker No. 2. Walking the beat.

I'm not exactly sure who he's working for because there were only three businesses in the area where he was on patrol. One was Hobby Lobby. I have no idea what Hobby Lobby is because I've never been inside nor do I know anyone else who has. It could be a front for the Mafia for all I know. But it was closed.

So was the next closest business, which was a generic Italian restuarant. That left a dollar store, but do they even have security guards at dollar stores? Even if you grabbed all that you could carry out of there, the most you could get away with is about $18 in stuff. It hardly seems cost effective to hire people to protect the place.

And what was he doing walking the lot anyway? Are people robbing stores and walking away?

I have nothing against security guards. But this guy sends me mail to my office bragging how he is more successful than me and can treat the Spousal Unit "like the Queen she is." Not at $5.15 an hour, he isn't.

He has gone so far as to visit the Spousal Unit's grandmother in a nursing home to tell her that he's a "fashion model," a millionaire, and tours with the Harlem Globetrotters. I don't think she believes him, but she likes getting visitors.

I was half-tempted to roll down the window and say "Evenin' Sheriff," but I thought better of it.

I know from my time working a movie theatre (see February archive) that security guards don't necessarily have to be portraits of mental health, but did they ask this guy any questions before hiring him?

I know it's only a misdemeanor, but wouldn't you think that being convicted of filing a false police report would be an impediment to a job where you routinely have to fill out reports?

I just know that every time something turns up missing, he's going to put my name down.