Yesterday, I had a hearing with an opposing lawyer who has a ponytail. A man with a ponytail, in itself, doesn't necessarily mean anything. Except in the legal profession.
He was "Ponytailed Lawyer Guy," which is like a lawyer gimmick, not unlike a comedian who uses props or sings with an acoustic guitar. It symbolizes he's a non-conformist who looks out for the little guy, I guess.
Of course, that makes me the bad guy, right?
This is typically what happens in court when Ponytailed Lawyer Guy is involved:
Ponytailed Lawyer Guy: Your honor, opposing counsel keeps emphasizing the law and the facts in asserting his client's position. But I think that we're ignoring an important consideration here.
I have a ponytail.
This means that I'm not a cold heartless attorney like opposing counsel. No, I am a champion of the people. I only represent the little guy. My client isn't even paying me. At least not in money. She's the salt of the Earth type and pays me in squirrel meat. Personally, I'm not a big fan of squirrel meat, but she's got her pride, your honor, and won't take hand outs.
I've yet to hear counsel respond to my ponytail. He doesn't have a ponytail. No sir, your honor. He works at one of those fancy law firms with indoor plumbing, corporate clients, and no ponytails.
I don't get my hair cut at expensive places either. And I use Pert shampoo. My goal is to one day donate these locks to children who have lost their hair through chemotherapy.
I ask that this court to also note that I am not wearing a suit. I am wearing a sportscoat and Dockers. You probably can't tell, but I'm also wearing tennis shoes. If that doesn't show why my client is right, well, I just don't know what to say.
That's all I have your honor. I may not rely on fancy law, but I'm just a simple honest man with a ponytail.
Judge: Would you like to respond, counsel?
Me: Yes, your honor, I think that 11 USC section 524 is controlling here...
Judge: No, I meant how do you respond to his argument that he has a ponytail?
Me: What?
Judge: Does your client deny that the defendant's counsel has a ponytail?
Me: No, but I really don't see what that has to do with...
Judge: So you'll stipulate that he is, in fact, ponytailed?
Me: I guess so, your honor.
Judge: Now we're getting somewhere. And you also admit that you do not yourself have a ponytail?
Me: No, your honor. Not many black men do.
PLG: Objection, your honor. Counsel is playing the race card.
Me: I'm just stating that I don't have the type of hair that lends itself to growing a ponytail.
Judge: You could grow those...those...what do they call them?
PLG: Dreadlocks, your honor?
Judge: Yes, dreadlocks. You could grow dreadlocks, couldn't you?
Me: Uh, maybe.
Judge: Very good. So, do any attorneys at your firm have ponytails?
Me: Some of the female attorneys have them.
PLG: Your honor!
Me: What does our hair have anything to do with this case? This is a simple breach of contract matter.
PLG: Fine, your honor. Clearly, opposing counsel admits that he can offer no response to my ponytail. But if he wants to argue the law, I believe the case of Ali v Foreman supports my client's position.
Judge: Response?
Me: There's no such case! He's making that up!
Judge: No, I'm sure I've heard of that case somewhere.
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21 comments:
were his initials k.e.?
maybe next time you could show up in a dashiki- that would probably go over really well where you live...
keep on keepin' on, ya big corporate sellout, you
;)
Speaking of, an old aquaintance of yours by the initials, p.d, is or at least was practicing up this way now. I've met his borther a few times.
Ok, enough with the inside references that no one else will get.
I believe the proper response to the ponytail involves a pair of scissors, followed by denial that he has a ponytail.
PLG's ponytail is the source of his strength.
I take it the hearing did not go your way.
The key is: know your judge. The judge probably was a former hippie with Jim Croce and Cat Stevens Albums in his office.
Regardless, I am going to go out on a limb and say ponytails should be the downfall of professionals. I mean, come on, are you in a band? Are you overcompensating for what is going on up top? It's just sad.
Nope, actually names were taken and asses were kicked. I jotted down my ideas for the post while I was waiting for the motion to be called. PLG went down hard.
But the funny thing to me is that I've gotten a few questions from my local lawyer friends about which lawyer I was talking about, with a few guesses. Apparently, many people have run into the PLG type.
sorry, but i can't resist- is p.d. the ACLU guy?
I really can't help but psychoanalyze ponytail men. Sort of like tattoo people.
Whenever I see one I turn into Hannibal Lecter thinking... "high attention needs." and "not so much the rugged individual as needs to be perceived as the rugged individual."
Plus I usually want to punch sensitive ponytail men.
Blond,
Yep the one and the same. I want to say he headed up the Federal Public Defenders office here, but it could've been something else.
Doesn't use Pert?!?
Hoe does he get his hair to bounce and behave?
Adam
D is black?
Is being black a metaphor for something?
Ponytail people make me want to hurt them.
d- would you care to comment on the fact that this is like the 216th time someone has been surprised that you are unmetaphorically black?
perhaps that could be the subject of a future post.
and, for the record, nobody i currently know has ever heard of interplanetary cocoa love...
Not a bad idea, BBlond.
I don't really see how sensitive ponytail men could be lawyers at all. I just seems like an oxymoron to me.
Tamela
for the record, ponytailed lawyers would probably not be a party to squiel meat...
I haven't visited your blog in a while. I've been living my life as a porn star. It's tough work but I need to fulfill these urges and I yearn to bring joy to horny men and women worldwide. Anyway, when I'm not dancing on my back with the world's largest cocked men, I visit the web. I've been very busy lately and haven't been able to check in. You haven't lost your touch. You still make me laugh and around a porn set there is definitely a lack of comic relief. After Rocco does "the Lasso" with his dick for the 100th time it's just not funny anymore. Thanks for making me smile. A real smile, too. Not that fake Youre-a-stallion-smile I use in the skin flicks either. A REAL SMILE! You're great!
You are going to have to add a section in your profile that states that when you say that you are black, it is not a joke and you actually mean it, but then again it might kill all the fun of the confused comments.
Of course, I can see why people would be surprised. I mean, Grand Rapids? From what I've seen of GR, it doesn't appear too different than here around Kazoo, and wow...Even I don't feel too pasty around here.
Kim,
Glad to have you back. I must now find a way to work "The Lasso" reference into as many conversations as possible
Oh God. I think my uncle is the opposing lawyer. It's totally possible. And here's the bad news: he is also an...
ahem...
"energy healer". Yep, that's right. A trial attorney WITH a ponytail, who can adjust your "energy" without even touching you. Kid you not - he gets paid hundreds of bucks per hour just to "adjust" people ON THE PHONE.
I am so very, very sorry.
That's not a bad gig,Trebuchet, if you can get it. I must have missed that class in law school.
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