Yesterday, I had a hearing with an opposing lawyer who has a ponytail. A man with a ponytail, in itself, doesn't necessarily mean anything. Except in the legal profession.
He was "Ponytailed Lawyer Guy," which is like a lawyer gimmick, not unlike a comedian who uses props or sings with an acoustic guitar. It symbolizes he's a non-conformist who looks out for the little guy, I guess.
Of course, that makes me the bad guy, right?
This is typically what happens in court when Ponytailed Lawyer Guy is involved:
Ponytailed Lawyer Guy: Your honor, opposing counsel keeps emphasizing the law and the facts in asserting his client's position. But I think that we're ignoring an important consideration here.
I have a ponytail.
This means that I'm not a cold heartless attorney like opposing counsel. No, I am a champion of the people. I only represent the little guy. My client isn't even paying me. At least not in money. She's the salt of the Earth type and pays me in squirrel meat. Personally, I'm not a big fan of squirrel meat, but she's got her pride, your honor, and won't take hand outs.
I've yet to hear counsel respond to my ponytail. He doesn't have a ponytail. No sir, your honor. He works at one of those fancy law firms with indoor plumbing, corporate clients, and no ponytails.
I don't get my hair cut at expensive places either. And I use Pert shampoo. My goal is to one day donate these locks to children who have lost their hair through chemotherapy.
I ask that this court to also note that I am not wearing a suit. I am wearing a sportscoat and Dockers. You probably can't tell, but I'm also wearing tennis shoes. If that doesn't show why my client is right, well, I just don't know what to say.
That's all I have your honor. I may not rely on fancy law, but I'm just a simple honest man with a ponytail.
Judge: Would you like to respond, counsel?
Me: Yes, your honor, I think that 11 USC section 524 is controlling here...
Judge: No, I meant how do you respond to his argument that he has a ponytail?
Judge: Does your client deny that the defendant's counsel has a ponytail?
Me: No, but I really don't see what that has to do with...
Judge: So you'll stipulate that he is, in fact, ponytailed?
Me: I guess so, your honor.
Judge: Now we're getting somewhere. And you also admit that you do not yourself have a ponytail?
Me: No, your honor. Not many black men do.
PLG: Objection, your honor. Counsel is playing the race card.
Me: I'm just stating that I don't have the type of hair that lends itself to growing a ponytail.
Judge: You could grow those...those...what do they call them?
PLG: Dreadlocks, your honor?
Judge: Yes, dreadlocks. You could grow dreadlocks, couldn't you?
Me: Uh, maybe.
Judge: Very good. So, do any attorneys at your firm have ponytails?
Me: Some of the female attorneys have them.
PLG: Your honor!
Me: What does our hair have anything to do with this case? This is a simple breach of contract matter.
PLG: Fine, your honor. Clearly, opposing counsel admits that he can offer no response to my ponytail. But if he wants to argue the law, I believe the case of Ali v Foreman supports my client's position.
Me: There's no such case! He's making that up!
Judge: No, I'm sure I've heard of that case somewhere.