Calvin: An Intimate Portrait

The careers of former child stars too frequently end tragically. Once promising young careers decline rapidly because of typecasting or where the onset of adulthood deprives the star of the "cuteness" that got them noticed.

I sought out my own favorite child star who once had a meteoric career but suddenly dropped off the face of the Earth. I miss his adventures to this day. When he arrived for the interview, I was shocked to see him as an adult. In my mind, he's an eternal six year old. Although he is now in his twenties, he still retains his boyish features and his hair is still unkempt. He could barely sit still in the interview. After all these years, he still displays the hyperkinetic nature, which made his childhood adventures so enjoyable.

Calvin, I have to lead off with a question that I used to debate with my friends. When no one else was around, was Hobbes real? Or was he just a figment of your imagination?

That's the big question, isn't it? I think that calling him a figment of my imagination is an understatement. I've since learned that Hobbes was a symptom of my battle with schizophrenia, which unfortunately went untreated until I was in my teens. I manage the condition now with medication.

That's incredible!

What's incredible to me is that none of the adults in my life recognized this. If you go back and read the strip, the signs were all there.

I just thought you had an overactive imagination.

An overimagination is one thing. Auditory and visual hallucinations are another. How many times did you see me listening to my teacher in one panel and in the next see her transform into a hideous alien creature? Or all the nights I laid awake worrying about the slobbering ferocious monsters hiding under my bed? Those where incredibly frightening times for me.

How did you learn about your condition?

Remember Susie Derkins? Despite all the times that I was incredibly rude to her, she never gave up on trying to be my friend. She knew that there was something wrong with me. All those times she tried to take Hobbes away from me to have those tea parties of hers, she was really trying to help me confront reality. She alerted our high school counselor and he had me undergo psychiatric evaluation. She saved my life.

So where is Hobbes today?

I wish I could say he's still with me, but Hobbes met a tragic end in a dryer related incident. He literally came apart.

That's horrible.

I have to keep in mind that he was only a stuffed animal. I had to separate from him. It's healthy.

Do you ever speak to Bill Watterson?

That's kind of a sore subject. As you know, Bill ended the strip due to his fights with Universal Press Syndicate and his resistance to commercialization. But I haven't seen a dime from the strip. For all his "artistic integrity," I've come to realize that he exploited my condition for his sole personal gain.

Do you think he knew about your schizophrenia?

He must have known something was wrong. He spent more time with me than anyone else, my parents included. My fantasies became more elaborate and bizarre over the course of the strip, particularly on Sundays. He observed my behavior. He should have suspected something.

So, in a way, you were a pioneer. Doesn't that make Calvin and Hobbes the first comic strip about a child with a mental disorder?

That would be Peanuts. Charles Schulz pretty much covered the gamut in mental disorders with the Peanuts gang decades before Watterson.

How so?

Charlie Brown was clinically depressed. I think that's obvious. And Schulz displaying the lowest moments of his life to the world on a daily basis didn't help matters. And look at his friends. Linus had deep attachment issues. Pig Pen is a survivor of abuse. His lack of personal hygeine was a defense mechanism to prevent others from getting too close. Marcie battles OCD to this day. Although no one knew it at the time, Franklin was borderline catatonic. Did you ever hear him speak?

Now that you mention it...

Lucy displays the classic profile for borderline personality disorder, but as is typical for those with the condition, she refuses to admit she has a problem. And although not properly a mental disorder, Peppermint Patty has some gender identity problems.

Charlie Brown and I have formed a support group for other exploited characters. It's really great to help others. We got Zippy the Pinhead in-home care.

I can't believe that you aren't getting any money from the strip.

Well, I've retained counsel and that issue isn't closed. But I've recently entered into a very lucrative deal that will compensate me properly.

What's that?

I've signed an exclusive urination endorsement deal with the Ford Motor Company.

What's an "exclusive urination endorsement" deal?

You know all those decals with images of me pissing on stuff? I've finally officially licensed my image. From now on, I'll only relieve myself on Ford's competitors, mainly Dodge and Chevy. We're going to shut down all those bootlegged images. No more peeing on random objects. No more t-shirts of me in a drunken stupor on college campuses.

So you like Ford products?

It's business, mostly. Although I'd love to piss on luxury brands like BMW or Mercedes, there's not much of a demand for decals in that demographic.

The downside is that contractually I have to be careful where I urinate now. I can't urinate on any object in a manner that could be considered to be an endorsement of any product but Ford. Lawyers, what can I say? But my pee is worth its weight in gold. I travel the country now, going to auto shows where I pee on Dodge and Chevy pick-up trucks. The kids love it.

What made you finally license your image?

I got tired of everyone making money off of me. And the decals were getting out of hand. The other day I saw someone with a pickup truck that had me pissing on the words "Gun Control." I'm not very political, but don't you think that I should have a say in what I endorse? Besides how can you piss on a political position? It's intangible, it's an idea. You can't physically urinate on a concept. It's like me pissing on existentialism or emo music. It's impossible.