Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Child Therapist To The Stars

Just in case the day job and the writing don't pan out, I'm considering an alternate career in a growth industry - Celebrity child therapist.

Things should be interesting in 2022.

D: Well, we've got the next fifty minutes to talk things out. There are some challenges that you've all faced, being born into the spotlight. I'm hoping that we can discuss those issues today.

Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt: Instead of worrying about our minor issues, we should be focusing on the incredible poverty in third world countries, like my homeland of Namibia.

D: I wouldn't say that's your homeland, Shiloh. You really didn't spend much time there.

Shiloh: Don't trivialize my ties to my birthland. I'm very sensitive to the struggles of my African brothers and sisters.

D: Wouldn't you like to talk about your father?

Shiloh: I never knew my father. What difference does it make?

D: Your mother bit your father's head off.

Shiloh: All couples argue from time to time.

D: No, your mother literally bit your father's head off about a month after you were born.

Shiloh: Mother said it was natural to do so. Females killing after mating is quite common in nature. Look at the preying mantis. Anyway, I've brought some pamphlets for everyone on the demining efforts in Cambodia.

D: Ok, thank you. I'll pass them out at the end of our session.

Suri Cruise: I see what you're trying to do.

D: What am I trying to do?

Suri: You're trying to poison us with this "therapy" of yours. Psychiatry is a pseudoscience. You don't know the history of psychiatry, I do.

D: Psychiatry has benefited many people.

Suri: All it does is mask the problem. And if you understand the history of it, that's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reasons why. With vitamins and exercise, many of these so-called depressions and anxieties could be more effectively treated.

D: And the release of Thetans in our bodies?

Suri: You're being glib.

D: No, I'm not.

Suri: Yes, you are. You're being glib.

Sean Preston Federline: Yo man, this is wack.

D: What is, Sean?

Sean Preston: This whole "talking about our problems" shiznit.

D: Shiznit?

Sean Preston: Yeah, man. It's like, if I talk about my problems, they're not going to go away. But see, I'm not 'bout the talk. I'm 'bout the action, you know what I'm sayin'. If I have a problem, I don't talk.

D: What do you do then?

Sean Preston: I rap. Lissen to me break off this freestyle. Yo Shiloh, break me off one of those old school beats:

I'm on the frontline
Dodgin' cameras like the one time
Can't even chill in this California sunshine
But it's okay, I got somethin' for ya
I'm handin out ass kickin's like diplomas
Who the first to get it?

D: Uh...ok.

Sean Preston:

Ya know Sean Preston's wit it
All that shiznit rappers talk about, I already did it

D: Shiznit?

Sean Preston:

I'm committed to the game
The fame's why I hustle

Lyrical exercise, workin' every muscle on the double

D: Please stop.

Sean Preston:

Chief and commanda
Hand ya
Ass to ya in a basket wrapped in plastic
I'm looney
All these model chicks wanna do me
Tabloids tried to screw me
Magazines try to kill me
But I'm nasty

What do you think?

D: That your mother dropped you too many times.

Sean Preston: Why is everybody trying to break on my moms? (crying) Yo' she did the best she could. Papa was a rolling stone, you know what I'm saying? She was strong, but you just gotta let a player play.

D: Was your parents' divorce hard on you?

Sean Preston: (composing himself) It ain't never been easy being S.P., ya heard? Ever since I was born, Pavoratti's been all up in my grill. Yeah, it was hard when Pops left. But I've got dozens of half-brothers and sisters who've got my back.

D: I think we've made a break through here.


J.R. Rice said...


I hope you don't mind, but I linked to this on my LJ.

Simply Lauren. said...

that shit was hilarious. I LOVED it. I'm going to link you right now to my blog.
:) thanks for the laugh!

what's_my_line? said...

OMG D, that was great!

n8 b said...

D, you've done it once again. That post was tha shiznit!

Gus said...

you are also listed on my blog after N8 found you and raved about your lyrical genius. again.

and those last couple posts were awesome.

Megs said...

Hi, this was hilarious & I can envision it perfectly!

I also have linked you to my msn spaces site (http://spaces.msn.com/whatwouldhappenif/).