The Earth Must Be Destroyed

I'm frustrated that our leaders are ignoring the real issues and focusing on things for political purposes to distract us rather solving real issues. Like gay marriage, for example. Why people insist on coddling homosexuals by protecting them from the institution of marriage is beyond me.

I think our leaders should focus on the Earth.

Destroying it, that is.

How long must we let the planet attack us with impunity? Just over the last few weeks, we've seen volcano eruptions and an earthquake in Indonesia. What about Hurricane Katrina, which was entirely unprovoked? Or the Tsunami, which almost took out Jet Li?

That doesn't mean that I'm anti-environment. The environmental issue really concerns the condition of the Earth, and those who advocate for the environment are essentially seeking to make the conditions here hospitable for continued life. And I’m all about comfort. But you'll have to take my air conditioning from my cold, dead hands.

And I'm not against the environmentalists themselves. I totally get why some people love trees more than people. I love trees more than people. I love Styrofoam more than most people. Of course, my position is not so much an endorsement of trees as it is an indictment of people.

On the other hand, there are those who believe that concerns about the environment are overly hyped and scientifically unfounded and claim that the true agenda for activism is to attack capitalism. And I am very much pro-having stuff.

Well, as usual, I have an entirely different read on the situation. In carefully weighing all the facts and the arguments, I've landed on the following position:

I'm anti-Earth.

I'm not the slightest bit concerned about saving the Earth. And why should I be? The Earth has been trying to systematically destroy us all throughout our existence. It routinely takes out thousands of us at a time. The Earth hates us because of our freedom, and I’m not afraid to say it.

In addition to so-called “natural disasters,” which are intended to destroy our way of life, the Earth continually produces wild animals that attack and eat us, like sharks, alligators, and Koala bears (My Australian readers will attest that four or more Koalas can pick an average-sized man clean to the bone in less than ten minutes).

I’m waiting for a leader who will get tough on the Earth. Oh sure, the President talks a good game about damaging the Earth, but I’m not sure that he’s really committed to it. Hurricane Katrina nearly took out New Orleans and greatly impeded the production of Girls Gone Wild videos. And has the administration even considered a military response? In the end, he’s still soft on the Earth in my book.

I would like to see more concerted actions to address the danger that the Earth poses to us. No more oil spills though. That’s a horribly inefficient way to destroy the world. Plus, I don’t want gas prices to go up any more. The SU has an SUV. Sure, we could have gotten a more gas efficient vehicle, but if we did, then the Earth would win.

I refuse to believe that with all our technology, courage, and know how, that we couldn’t teach the Earth a lesson that it won’t soon forget. Drop a few tactical nukes on a glacier and send a message. That’s what I’m talking about.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, tornadoes, etc., as far as I'm concerned, the Earth started it.