Like clockwork, fall weather arrived in Michigan the first weekend after Labor Day. And with it, women have put their breasts away for winter storage. Sure, we may get an Indian Summer and a few nice days between now and the spring, but cleavage season is over.
I'm saddened by this. Low cut tops are being replaced by bulky outerwear and comfort foods. Sure, I may occasionally catch a good pair nicely framed under a cashmere sweater, but it's not the same.
The only thing that is keeping me from full blown depression is that Justin Timberlake has promised to bring SexyBack.
But this onsetting depression has brought a revelation. I've long believed that I have Seasonal Affect Disorder, or the "Winter Blues," which is caused by lack of sunlight. But maybe, all this time, it's been something else.
I believe that I actually have a condition known as Breast Deprivation Disorder (I can't tell you how much I wanted to think of a euphemism for breasts that started with D, so that I could have called this nicknamed this condition "Triple Ds," but there really aren't any good ones out there. I googled and everything. I just don't think people call breasts "dumplings" or "doodads").
Anyway, BDD is often misdiagnosed as SAD. because the onset usually occurs about the same time, in the late fall and early winter. These conditions can also be treated similarly. A person suffering from SAD will usually show mood elevation after about 30 minutes of sunlight exposure. Fortunately, BDD sufferers show marked improvement after only about 30 seconds of exposure to cleavage.
Artificial sunlight will also help SAD suffers. With BDD, exposure to artificial breasts may actually cure symptoms quicker and more effectively than natural breasts depending on the source. So if you see me visiting a gentlemen's establishment, remember it's for a medical condition, no matter what my health insurer says.
Millions of men in the northern states are afflicted with BDD. Although there is no known cure for BDD, it can be treated. With your e-mailed pictures and monetary donations, together we can beat this terrible disease.
Won't you please help?