Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Night I Saw Prince's Penis


I've been a Prince fan since I was nine years old. Since then I've lost count of how many of his concerts I've attended. Although they've uniformly have been great shows, they kinda blur together in my memory. Except for one.

One of the things that is interesting about Prince is that he frequently comes to the conclusion, " Hey, I think I'm making too much money. What can I do to sabotage my career?" Change my name to an unpronouncable symbol? Etch "slave" on my face? Release an entire album devoted to being a Jehovah's Witness? Try to act? Through it all, I've stayed faithful.

Almost 10 years ago, Prince played his "Jam of the Year" tour at smaller venues, which included the Fox Theatre in Detroit. I drove with the soon to be Spousal Unit two hours from Grand Rapids, excited to see him for the first time in such an intimate setting.

People watching is fun at Prince concerts. As usual, there were plenty of freaky people there and a few women in lingerie. But this was fourteen years past his Purple Rain prime. And the women who were wearing lingerie were the same ones who wore them to Prince concerts in 1984. Do the math. Age x + 14 years + wearing lingerie in public = no longer sexy.

The show was general admission with standing room only on the main floor. I managed to get a good spot on the stage right corner. There were ramps on either side of the stage so periodically he'd play the guitar or sing roughly five feet away from me.

This was cool until about the third costume change, when he changed into lime green lace pants (?) and blouse. I'm pretty open minded, but men really shouldn't wear lace pants.

This would be a good time to remind you that Prince hasn't worn underwear since 1980.

So I'm watching him playing a guitar solo when I saw a disturbing sight:

Le petit Prince.

I thought I was hallucinating. I had to check with the SU.

"Is that Prince's dick?"

I wasn't hallucinating.

The evening had taken a disturbing turn. I hadn't signed up for this. The most disturbing part is that I couldn't turn away. I wanted to, believe me. Ok, don't think about an elephant. See, you just did. You couldn't help it. It's like when you try not to notice that a person you're talking to has a gigantic mole on their face. The harder you try not to focus on it, the more you look at it. That's what happened.

So just in case you were curious, the answers are as follows: circumcised, to the left, and not too bad considering he's only three feet tall.

Let us never speak of this again.

31 comments:

Francis said...

I'm just wondering what reminded you of this awful awful memory...

Sharkbait said...

You crack me up.

Anonymous said...

Wow - that was just like a hug from Jesus.

Not so anonymous

Anonymous said...

I once saw Jane's Addiction and Perry Farrell had a "wardrobe malfunction" (i.e. his pants ripped at the crotch) and his unit was flopping about unrestrained as he danced about the stage. Luckily it was a large venue and no one in front was hurt. I was too far back to see any detail but I could see what was going on. In between songs he said something like "Oh look... My dick's hanging out." performed another song and then a stagehand gave him some new pants.

Anonymous said...

If you go to cameltoe.org, under the celebrity toe section, there's a photo of Prince in tight pants that may give you nightmares.

Bev said...

Oh, well. At least you got your money's worth, right?

The Gilded Moose said...

wow. talk about diamond and pearls.

Beppo said...

OMG. I have been telling people about Prince and his lace pants for YEARS and nobody ever believes me! It was the late 80's when I saw Prince in concert. I was in the second row, and I SHALL NEVER FORGET the sight of his dick smashed onto his leg by his lace pants. Never.

The Letter D said...

Beppo,

We should form a support group.

By the way, Defamer linked this post.

Anonymous said...

Ok, the word for men who can't look away from other men's dicks is, wait for it.... gay.

Eileen said...

This was an early Christmas present.

Thank you.

angie said...

OMFG! My office neighbors are now convinced I'm crazy from all the laughing coming through the door . . . that was the most awesome/awful post EVER!

Anonymous said...

It is a wonderful story. From now on I will tell it as if it happened to me.

Lorraine said...

Thank Defamer and thank you for the biggest, loudest laugh I have had since yesterday.

what a train wreck this must have been. no amount of mental bleach will wash this stain from you memory.

lorrwill said...

I meant your.

stupid laughing fingers

Anonymous said...

They say Prince's dick is huge...7 inches when it's not erect!!!

molly said...

I'm oh so very inappropriate jealous...that you saw Prince live, I mean. Cough cough.

Coffeypot said...

I not surprised Prince has a penis, most men have dicks.

Jay said...

If lace pants are the only thing you find wrong with Prince, then you must have some privileged information, and I'm not just talking penis.

Sgt Howie said...

Hilarious. I was totally at that show, in fact it was the first time I saw him live. Le petit Prince was not visible from the nosebleed seats, but I have since seen way too much moose knuckle from my NPGMC front-row spots. I love the man but he really should not be freeballing.

Anonymous said...

And I thought when I saw KISS backstage without make-up in the 70's was the grossest thing ever - you beat that by a log shot. Ooops - meant long shot! LOL

Mel said...

Two words- Blouses, bitch.

You have to be a fan of the Chapelle show to understand.

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Anonymous said...

Just to let you know - I love your sense of humor. I found this blog entry in specific when I was searching for something about Prince on the internet (no, it wasn't about his penis, lol). I got so distracted with laughing at this that I couldn't leave the page. It's now on my favorites because it makes me laugh so much - I am forever looking for new entries and checking back to see if I've missed anything interesting.

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Tequilla Mockingbird said...

I feel somewhat left out having seen His Royal Badnees a few times at the 02 in London last year and not gettingto see his penis. Where do I write to lodge a formal complaint?

Thanks for the funny post- me and my freinds- all huge Prince fans- loved it!

Anonymous said...

He recently did again at a concert in Berlin.

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Extenze said...

I've been a Prince fan since I was nine years old. Since then I've lost count of how many of his concerts I've attended. Although they've uniformly have been great shows, they kinda blur together in my memory.

Anonymous said...

the letter D must be code for dumbass, as that is what you are.


"Hey, I think I'm making too much money. What can I do to sabotage my career?... Change my name to an unpronounceable symbol?" ...FYI, he did that to get out of a contract that was stifling his talent. "Etch "slave" on my face?" ...he did the slave thing cos thats what he was to an industry full of money hungry accountants. "Release an entire album devoted to being a Jehovah's Witness?" -_- ...if you dont respect people's choices then GTFO!! "Try to act?" ...pardon me, silly child, but those films made him millions.

"Through it all, I've stayed faithful." ...well now, i bet Prince is IMMENSELY thankful for your unwavering loyalty.

"I'm pretty open minded, but men really shouldn't wear lace pants." ...and children shouldnt blog.

"This would be a good time to remind you that Prince hasn't worn underwear since 1980." ...and you know this as fact, how exactly? when was the last time you rummaged through his drawers? ever stop to think that underwear might not work with the costume?

"So I'm watching him playing a guitar solo when I saw a disturbing sight" ...disturbing? HA! i bet you had sexy thoughts running through your silly little head all night. grow the fuck up, brat.

"The most disturbing part is that I couldn't turn away....circumcised, to the left, and not too bad considering he's only three feet tall." ...when are you gonna STFU!? this last part really proves how much a liar you really are. you claim it was a disturbing sight and you REALLY wanted to turn away and yet looked hard enough to notice that he's cut. youre a fucking idiot. and lastly, if you are as much a fan as you claim you wouldnt insult the man. he's 5'2". youre a twit. goodbye.

Phoniex said...

id LOVE to have that memory of him concider yourself lucky