The Night I Saw Prince's Penis

I've been a Prince fan since I was nine years old. Since then I've lost count of how many of his concerts I've attended. Although they've uniformly have been great shows, they kinda blur together in my memory. Except for one.

One of the things that is interesting about Prince is that he frequently comes to the conclusion, " Hey, I think I'm making too much money. What can I do to sabotage my career?" Change my name to an unpronouncable symbol? Etch "slave" on my face? Release an entire album devoted to being a Jehovah's Witness? Try to act? Through it all, I've stayed faithful.

Almost 10 years ago, Prince played his "Jam of the Year" tour at smaller venues, which included the Fox Theatre in Detroit. I drove with the soon to be Spousal Unit two hours from Grand Rapids, excited to see him for the first time in such an intimate setting.

People watching is fun at Prince concerts. As usual, there were plenty of freaky people there and a few women in lingerie. But this was fourteen years past his Purple Rain prime. And the women who were wearing lingerie were the same ones who wore them to Prince concerts in 1984. Do the math. Age x + 14 years + wearing lingerie in public = no longer sexy.

The show was general admission with standing room only on the main floor. I managed to get a good spot on the stage right corner. There were ramps on either side of the stage so periodically he'd play the guitar or sing roughly five feet away from me.

This was cool until about the third costume change, when he changed into lime green lace pants (?) and blouse. I'm pretty open minded, but men really shouldn't wear lace pants.

This would be a good time to remind you that Prince hasn't worn underwear since 1980.

So I'm watching him playing a guitar solo when I saw a disturbing sight:

Le petit Prince.

I thought I was hallucinating. I had to check with the SU.

"Is that Prince's dick?"

I wasn't hallucinating.

The evening had taken a disturbing turn. I hadn't signed up for this. The most disturbing part is that I couldn't turn away. I wanted to, believe me. Ok, don't think about an elephant. See, you just did. You couldn't help it. It's like when you try not to notice that a person you're talking to has a gigantic mole on their face. The harder you try not to focus on it, the more you look at it. That's what happened.

So just in case you were curious, the answers are as follows: circumcised, to the left, and not too bad considering he's only three feet tall.

Let us never speak of this again.