The Revolution Will Be Airbrushed

Lindsay, I know things have been crazy for you lately. I appreciate that you've taken time to talk to me.

That's ok, D. I knew that I could count on you to get my message out unfiltered. But I have to ask that you not call me by my government name. I am now Afeni Amaru X.

Uh, Ok. Why did you change your name?

It's part of my journey to truth. I have defined myself and rejected the classification that the oppressors have laid on me.

Who are the oppressors?

Isn't it obvious? There is a network of corporate, government, and media conspirators that is pulling the strings not only to bring me down, but also my sisters in the struggle, Paris, Nicole, and Britney.

Why do you believe that you are being targeted?

The Man does not want to see thin attractive young women of economic means succeed. They want to bring us down and incarcerate us. It's political, isn't it obvious?

Frankly, no.

Surely you can't think that so many of us being jailed and vilified in the media all at the same time is mere coincidence. The proof of the conspiracy is staggering. Do you know that right now, there are more debutantes and actresses in jail than in college? Why is that?

Most seem to be jailed for alcohol related offenses.

Alcohol. That's how the Man dealt with the Native Americans, isn't it?

I still don't understand why you believe that the government would conspire to bring you down.

We inspire youth. They know that we could one day rise up and start the revolution.

It would be the only revolution that has to stop after every meal to purge.

Don't make light of this. I am part of the SLF, the Starlet Liberation Front, a revolutionary group designed to cast off the Tiffany chains of our oppressors.

How long has the SLF been in operation?

We've been operating in secret over the past several years, usually meeting in the VIP sections of nightclubs. You've seen our signs in your media rags and internet sites, but you've been blind to them.

I don't understand.

The black power movement used the powerful sign of the black fist to show solidarity. We've adopted our own. Surely, you don't think all those pictures of us getting out of limousines without underwear were accidental. That's our sign. Instead of the black fist, we use the pink...

Um, this is a family site.

I'm sorry. But can you think of any more powerful sign? What prompts more anxiety in our society than female sexuality? Originally, we were going to use the nipple slip but it wasn't as empowering.

So what we are seeing now in the media is evidence that your organization is under attack?

Yes. Although we managed to operate in secret for awhile, the FBI started putting infiltrators in our midst. When the revolution occurs, that traitorous snitch Hilary Duff while be the first up against the wall!

Why are you telling me this?

Just in case something happens to me. Look at Sister Britney. She's being made an example. And Sister Nicole, going to jail while she carries a child of the revolution. It won't be long until one of us is assassinated.

Is there anything that you want to tell today's young women?

Stay strong, my sisters. Wake up. And don't let them hate you because you're beautiful.