The Belly Of The Beast

Today, the most powerful man in the free world, V.P. Dick Cheney, came to Grand Rapids to speak about Iraq and the War on Terror to an invitation-only group of politicians, friends, donors, VIPs, and others. Due to a glitch in the Matrix, I received an invitation.

The event took place at the Gerald Ford Presidential Museum. President Ford was Grand Rapids' favorite son, who rose to the Presidency in an unlikely turn of events similar to when Abin Sur passed on the mantle of the Green Lantern to Hal Jordan.

Those who have read this blog can probably sense my political bend. I'm a radical moderate. My general philosophy is that people should be left alone to do what they want as long as it doesn't hurt others and I don't have to pay for it. That kind of sounds like I'm a libertarian, but I don't think I am, if for no other reason that I don't still live with my parents.

Although I'm not a Cheney fan, I wasn't going to turn down such a rare invitation. I sat in front of a couple of blue hairs, who must have alternatively thought they were either at church or a Tom Jones' concert. They couldn't agree enough with everything that he said, literally saying "Amen" to every other statement. I was ready for them to start throwing hotel keys or their giant panties up on the podium.

So there I was, like an aneurysm in the Hive Mind. You see, when you talk about the conservative Midwest, when you're wondering who makes up the 25% or so people who think everything is going swimmingly, you're probably talking about Grand Rapids.

I resisted the urge to get my 15 minutes of national prominence by yelling out "Howard Stern!" or "Make my funk the P-Funk!" If I hadn't controlled myself, you all could be watching clips of me being pummeled by the Secret Service on YouTube right now.

Cheney's opening act was a patriotic a capella group called (seriously) Voices of Freedom. They performed all the hits like "God Bless America," "I'm Proud to Be An American," and "Sexual Healing". Ok, maybe not the last one, but it would've brought down the house.


I'm an open-minded person. I appreciate good, persuasive arguments even if I don't agree with them. And in fairness, Cheney delivered the best justification that I've ever heard for keeping a significant military presence in Iraq. Although he made numerous conclusory statements on things that I think are arguable at best, he gave an excellent clear-minded, logical, forceful argument for the necessity of the war.




And then he turned into a bat and flew away.