D's Voters Guide

As a public service, I'm weighing in on the stable of presidential candidates. The sad thing is that one of them is going to win. Whatever you may think of the current resident on Pennsylvania Avenue, really, is this the best that we can do? I'm seriously considering sitting this one out. Usually, I end up voting against someone rather than voting for someone, but this time out I'm really depressed.

Why can't we find better choices? I mean look at the perqs:

1. You get your own plane.

2. You can "legally" torture people (well, I'm not sure that you personally get to torture them. I think you have to assign the task to other people. But I'm sure if you really wanted to, they'd let you at least hook up the jumper cables).

3. You only get a performance evaluation once every four years.

4. Instant revenge on old girlfriends. "What does your husband do, again? Oh, he's that's right, he's an accountant. That's cool. Oh, me? Leader of the free world. Yep. I have the entire armed forces at my command. Stressful? Yeah. But I hear tax season is bad too, huh? Tell Greg I said 'hello.' "

5. Interns, baby, interns.

It's like being a rock star, but being able to send people to secret prisons.

But you'd think we'd posted the position on Monster.com with this crowd. In no particular order, here are our choices:

Mitt Romney: I don't see what the big deal is about him being a Mormon. In fact, I think he should play this up as much as possible, with the slogan "We've tried morons. Isn't it time we tried a Mormon?" Yes, the Latter Day Saints have some unusual beliefs, but name a religion that doesn't.

Yes, it's silly to believe that your prophet received a communication from God that came through his hat because everyone knows that the real God communicates through flaming shruberry. My point is that everyone who has deeply held religious beliefs, necessarily believes in something that to an outsider seems patently absurd.

Besides, who doesn't want to rule their own planet in the afterlife?

Which leads me to...

Mike Huckabee: The only thing that keeps Huckabee's beliefs from seeming as strange as Romney's is that more people just happen to share them. Huckabee has locked up the crucial Chuck Norris endorsement (No word yet on The Rock or Vin Diesel, so I'm still on the fence). If nothing else, wouldn't it be funny to hear someone say "President Huckabee" for at least four years?

Barack Obama: I was pretty amused at first when he was battling (and losing) to Hilary on who was "blacker." As much as I'd like to vote for him, the more he says about foreign policy, the more I think his bread is not quite baked yet. I'd be more partial to an Obama presidency if I wasn't sure that I could beat him at a game of Risk.

Dennis Kucinich: The question is not whether this nation is ready for its first black, female, Hispanic, or Mormon president, but rather are we ready for our first magical pixie president?

Fred Thompson: There was a groundswell to get this guy to run? Are you kidding me? What is it about being a bad actor makes people think that someone is qualified one to run for elected office? Do we really think that all a President does is read lines written by someone else? Wait, don't answer that.

Under this logic, Jackie Chan would make a great president. He's a man of action, always plays a good guy, and most importantly, does his own stunts. Thompson's faltering campaign is probably due to the writers' strike. If he gets the nomination, the Democrats will be forced to draft Joe Pesci.

John Edwards: I think he's gotten a bad rep for being overly feminine just because he may occasionally spend more than the GDP of Guatemela on his grooming. Why doesn't Mitt Romney get the same amount of flack? They have about 3,000 pearly teeth between them. On the other hand, he was voted as the candidate that Americans would most like to share a Mojito with.

Rudy Giuliani: Only he can save us from another 9/11. But how tough can he really be if he let his wife (I can't remember which one, maybe his seventh or eighth one) kick him out of Gracie Mansion when they split? I would have been all like, "You lissen here, woman. This here is the mansion for the Mayor of New York City. You're just a squirrel trying to get a nut. How many people were sodomized or slain in a hail of gunfire by police officers under your command? Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm not moving anywhere."

Ron Paul: In recent Presidental elections there has been a candidate who upsets the mainstream but captures the attention of those who have felt politically disenfranchised. Invariably, this person will be insane (see e.g., Ross Perot and Ralph Nader). Ron Paul, come on down.

You would think he's a real conservative's wet dream. I'm not saying that I agree with him but he appears to actually have a good command of the Constitution and guides his policies based on those parameters. So, in other words, there's no way he could ever win. Then again, what other candidate can attract both stoners and neo-nazi's? That's what they mean by being a uniter not a divider.

Hillary Clinton: How, other than mass hypnosis, did she pretty much begin this race as a front runner? I mean, half of the country thinks that she's the anti-Christ. There is hate and then there is hate. We'd have to quadruple the Secret Service budget. Then again, how can someone who gave their husband a Get Out of Jail Free Card after he got the most publicly dissected BJ from a twenty-something lose the Joe Six-Pack vote? Shannon Tweed has the same policy, and nobody hates her.

John McCain: A decorated war veteran and POW in the Spanish-American War (note to self: fact check this later.) One of the things about McCain is he's reached crazy old age. You know how when people get to be a certain age, they just don't give a damn about what anybody thinks and say the most blunt and insulting things and think nothing of it. It would be like my grandmother running the country, although I don't think he believes a lion lives in his bedroom closet. Plus, it will be funny when he finds out that he can't appoint Matlock to the Supreme Court.

Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd, Bill Richardson, Duncan Hunter, Mike Gravel: I'm not even sure if these guys are still in the race.