Back From The Dead And Looking For A New Love

Due to the wonders of sunlight, nice weather, and the finest pharmaceutical products, I'm ending my hibernation. The last several months have been a wild ride and it was hard to type from the fetal position, but it's time to get back into the swing of things.

I posted a couple of times in April, before I was fully emotionally ready with a few cryptic posts.

I suppose that I owe you all an explanation. It's been a difficult time, with Jessica Alba entering into her sham of a marriage and bearing the seed of some freaking production assistant, who's currently sponging off of her faltering career ("The Love Guru," really?") He's enjoying a lifestyle that by all rights should be mine. I should be denting her sofa cushions instead of typing this.

Anyway, enough of that. I'm pretty much open to a new love and am taking applications. So far, here are my options:

Kim Kardashian: She really should be the subject of my older posts, "I Hate Myself For Loving You." I didn't even know who she was until her sex tape was "leaked." I use the quotes because it is by far the most calculated celebrity sex tape out there. Seriously, if there was an Academy Award for Celebrity Sex Tapes, this should be the winner. But there is no way that this wasn't intended for wide release (apparently, much like Kim herself). It had professional lighting! There was a sound boom in one of the shots! The thing had credits! I tried to watch her show on VH1, but couldn't last a minute without having the sudden nearly uncontrollable urge to start hitting myself in the face with my shoe. It went away after I pressed "mute" on my remote. Anyway, I must admit that I'm uncontrollably drawn to her and her generously proportioned rear end, despite the fact that she is functionally (and just barely) retarded. I mean she's at the level of those "greeters" that Wal-Marts and the Home Depot hire for good luck.





Tila Tequila. Ok, this is one of those phenomenons that make me feel old. I really don't understand why she's on my television. Is it me or does she look like an alien visitor? But the kids (male and female) seem to dig her, so I guess I should give her some consideration. Plus, with her I'd never forget to take my medications, especially the antibiotics.

Dania Ramirez: An obscure choice perhaps. She played AJ's girlfriend Bianca on the Sopranos and one of the slayers on "Buffy." I started watching "Heroes" just because she was on it. Her character had the superhuman ability to suddenly make my pants fit uncomfortably.














Rachel Maddow: This is an unorthodox choice. But I keep seeing her on MSNBC and I think she's really clever, and I love clever women. She's a Rhodes Scholar, and you know what they say about women who are Rhodes Scholars (they are like Scorpios). Sure, she may not be "hot," or traditionally "attractive," or "heterosexual." Yes, she's a lesbian and that means that she probably hates men. Ok, maybe that's a stereotype. Just because she's a lesbian doesn't mean that she hates men or has a golden retriever, but I'm just playing the odds here. Even if she does hate men, most of my relationships have been with women who hated me. The good thing is that there would be a pretty good chance that she'd be open to introducing another women in the relationship.