Heavy Petting And The City

Harper-Collins is planning a line of books, aimed at "young adults", based on the teenage lives of the characters in Sex and the City.

Strangely enough, I've already been working on this idea. To throw my hat in the ring, I offer the following:

Carrie, jotting in her diary: Boy, I wish there was some way that I could type my thoughts in a device that I could use while I'm sitting on my bed in my underwear. I tried this with my Apple II but I almost set my Duran Duran comforter on fire.

Anyway, it's not easy being a teen that wants to have it all. Things with Big are going okay. He's pretty busy with being the president of Student Council and of the Future Tycoons of America Club. But whenever we're together, he totally pushes me to a stage in the relationship that I'm not sure that I'm ready for.

Is it okay for me to mind "it", when "it" is the only thing on his mind?

Fortunately, I have my friends to support me:

Fade to lunchroom:

Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda are having their daily lunch in the gym/cafeteria.

Carrie: Big has been pushing me to do "it."

Miranda: (gasps) Are we talking the big "it"?

Carrie: Not the big "it", it's more like a little "it."

Samantha: Big has a little "it"?

Carrie: No, I mean his "it" is fine. I mean, I don't know if it's little or not, it's not like I've seen a lot of them.

Samantha: Well I have. For example, Mr. Derringer has an absolutely enormous "it."

Miranda: You've seen the guidance counselor's "it?"

Samantha: What? I needed a good letter of recommendation for college. So we did the big "it."

Charlotte: Ewww. I'm never going to do the big "it." Well, at least not after I marry Craig, the team quarterback, and we have a big wedding with announcements in the New York Times, and I have a beautiful wedding dress designed by either Camp Beverly Hills or Izod.

Carrie: No, it's not the big "it," it's the other "it."

Samantha: What other "it" are we talking about? There's like a hundred other "its" Believe me, I 've done them all.

Miranda: She's done a hundred "its." I can't find any time to do any "it" with AP Calculus, Debate Club, the Chess Team, the Pre-Law Society and the Curious About My True Sexual Orientation Club. Oh my God, did I just say that last one out loud?

The girls ignore Miranda.

Carrie: No, he wants me to do the "hand it."

Charlotte: Ewwww! (pause) What is the "hand it"?

Carrie: He wants me to touch his (pause) "it" and rub it.

Samantha: Oh, so he wants Handus Strokus?

Miranda: I've never heard of Handus Strokus.

Charlotte: Ewwww!

Carrie: Why does he want me to do that? What if I do it wrong? Will he still respect me if I do it? What if he tells all his friends? I don't want people to go around thinking I'm the type of girl who does Handus Strokus. Uh...no offense, Samantha.

Samantha: None taken. Listen Honey, guys are going to ask for a lot of things. And on the scale of "its," Handus Strokus is like a three out of ten.

Carrie: How do I know if I'm doing it right?

Samantha: Well, if you're doing it right, you'll know. Just bring a lot of Kleenex.

Carrie: For what?

Samantha: You'll see.

Charlotte: Ewwww!